Recipe For Disaster

Recipe for Disaster

Take one part delusional, violent, intrusive, ignorant, immature ex-spouse
One part passive aggressive, chronic lying, undiagnosed bipolar man
One part mis-informed, love blinded, fragile, co-dependant
Two litigators interested only in benefiting their agencies
And one court system whose sole purpose is to perpetuate itself

Sprinkle liberally with deceit, delay, spys and constant harassment.

Bake under pressure at 450 for 4 years, and stand back. This is gonna hurt.

And this is where I found myself, standing on the edge of bliss with an unseen entity behind me holding an enormous hammer with a target on my head.

As for me, I was living in a space where every song on the radio was written especially for me.
The air was cleaner, the birds sang louder and the evenings were magic. Everything made sense. I was a student of love.

Running solely on manic fumes, I soaked up my new found love like a sponge, wanting only to see her face, her smile, hear her voice, hold her hand. I still feel that way today.

It was a relationship like no other...yeah, we all say that or at least I hope we do...but this was mine. The intensity was as blinding as the sun, like a warm blanket that you could wrap yourself in and feel safe. Something I had never known. Someone was taking care of me.

I'm sure you're thinking, well, sex can do that to a person, and you're right. My sexual options new no boundaries, but it went so far beyond that. She is so well read, her knowledge of art and music are unparalleled, her life experiences are rich and full of color. She opened up a world for me. One of creativity, nurturing and support the likes of which I had never known. She asked for nothing in return.

We would spend hours telling each other stories of our pasts, our childhoods, our dreams. We would laugh uncontrollably. 

She told me of a horrible chronic disease that she has. She was honest. I never even blinked. I didn't care then and I don't care now. It's something that I have always accepted and learned to help her with in my own small way. It's actually a huge part of who she is. Through this disease, she has shown a passion for life that most take for granted. Her love for life's simplicities were imparted on me, another of the gifts she gave me. Her courage around this disease has served to inspire not only myself but countless others.

She is like a well were we all go to renew ourselves and even when she thinks the well is dry...it never truly is.

When we were together, we were the only two people in the world and the world existed only for the two of us. To say she completed me would be wrong, she complimented me, she made me better than I could ever have hoped to be. There was only one thing to do.......

I scrapped together all the money I had, my rent money, food money...everything and I bought a

ring. I proposed in the middle of a busy street, leaving her no choice but to answer or be run down.

While all this was going on, the Troll was calling my phone incessantly. Money, money, money was the only topic that was of interest to her...until.......why the fuck did I accept the calls? Why did I entertain this parasitic leech? I mean, these were not civil conversations. Why did I give her a voice? Why did I behave in a manner that was an insult and betrayal to the greatest person I had ever met? To this day, I have no definitive answer. All I do know, is the damage it caused to my wife was to be the beginning of my collapse. I can't give her back what's been hurt, all that's left are the wounds

I just wanted to be left alone with my soon to be wife. I figured, if I ignored the Troll...it would go away. The Troll would tire and move on to fuck with someone or something else, that had been my experience with her so far, at least while we were married. But this time, she would show commitment.

Life Begins At 40

I would hope that everyone has experienced what it's like to have the world open up for you. This was my experience in the weeks that followed. Everything, and I mean everything was new. The person I met was and still remains, the most influential person I have ever known. Now lets stack, loving, compassionate, funny, brilliant, loyal and breath-takingly beautiful on top of that and you have a perfect situation for me to fuck up.

Having never experienced this level of elation, hope and happiness before was intoxicating. As I was to discover in the coming weeks and months, these emotions can cause severe stupidity, blindness and an increased ability to make very harmful choices, which I did, time after time.

All I wanted was my newly found bliss, but that's too much to ask for, especially when you have a diabolical, temper driven Troll for an ex-wife. It should be mentioned once again that she was having an affair and in a relationship at this time and as dysfunctional as it may have been, I thought it would keep her occupied and demonstrated that she was moving on......another foolish assumption on my part.

However,  I was enchanted by the woman I had met. There weren't enough hours in the day to spend with her, and we used most of them. I couldn't be close enough to her. If I could have unzipped her and crawled inside, I would have...she felt the same.

Life for once was perfect...work was good, my apartment was certainly big enough, I was doing things I hadn't done in years, I bought a new car and then there this woman that believed in me, her eyes would shine when she saw me, when she put her arms around me, I could feel the energy passing between us. We were in separable.

As an individual, she was an accomplished art director, very much respected and admired in her field. Her compassion knew no boundaries, having put together benefits for the homeless, protecting the rights of animals and the environment. She was also a bibliophile, introducing me to countless authors and artists that I was never exposed to before. Her taste and knowledge of music was as wide and varied as her ability to love. She was the most generous person I had ever encountered, both of herself and in her staggering depth of intellect.  This influence would later affect endeavors that we as a couple worked on and things we created as partners. Not to say that I was stupid, but I did find myself behind the curve on quite a few occasions, but in her grace and eloquence, she never pointed it out, but I knew.

She asked me about my current relationship with my soon-to-be ex. I told her it was amicable. I told her about the Troll, but that we were friendly with each other, and at that very moment, we were. I didn't understand that be "friendly" meant, "do what I say, how I say, when I say and we'll get along just fine."
As the situation began to disintegrate, I lied to my new found love, telling her everything was just fucking peachy. It was the calm before the storm. A storm that would take my happiness, my home, my self-esteem, my love and I was a major participant.

Young At Heart

She did write back and I was given a number to call. You know how you speak to those people for the first time and it's like finding an old friend again? Well, it wasn't anything comparable to that. It was like seeing the color of the sunset for the first time, like finally appreciating the beauty of the heavens. This surpassed anything I had ever experienced. Her laugh was like music that had been missing from my life for more years than I could count. We told each other stories, we made each other laugh. She listened to me, she heard me, she understood me. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life.

It was not all perfect, I think this was the time I told her my first lie, it would be one of many and they are today the biggest regrets of my life. They tore gaping holes in the trust she had for me. I was a fool. I would have said anything not to break this magical spell. I told her I had been separated for much longer than I actually had. She was so innocent, honest and open, and I lied.

By the time we were done speaking, it had been 4 hours. It felt like the blink of an eye. I didn't sleep that night, I was shocked by what had just happened. I wanted to tell someone, but there was no one to tell, so I paced around my apartment with a foolish grin on my face....and I no longer felt alone.

We spoke again the following evening and it was a repeat of the prior. It was decided that we would meet the next evening.

I parked around the corner of where I thought we were meeting as I was embarrassed that she should see my work truck, so I waited around the corner, leaning against a building waiting.

What happened next defies anything I could ever describe. The sun was behind her as she walked down the street toward me, it was a vision. I could see her hair and long coat blowing in the slight breeze. I glanced into her face and quickly looked to the ground as I was certain that my eyes were not seeing things for what they truly were. She hugged me and said hello. I looked into her face once more and saw my future. All my hopes, all the things I never dared feel. If the most beautiful music could be personified, it was now standing before me.

We lingered over dinner for hours. I was doing my very best to be entertaining. I was so enchanted by this person, Time stood still. We were the only two people in the world. I was lost in her voice, her laugh in who she is.

We left the restaurant and drove down to the water. We sat there at the edge of the Pacific Ocean and fell in love. We talked about or children, our successes and failures, we opened our hearts to each other, and she became a part of my soul that had never before existed. She held up her hand and my fingers interlaced with hers. Wordlessly, we two became one. The most intimate experience of my life. We kissed for the first time, everything but she and I melted away. I would give my very being to experience that moment again, to see that same look in her eyes, to know the euphoria that belonged to she and I. With every breath I take, I miss that moment more, the grains of my being leaving me forever.    

This'll Be Easy

As I'm certain most men do, I was under the impression that dating would be easy. After all, I was immensely sought after before I was married. I'd just pick up where I left off. I was ready, stable, good looking, all the right components. The only problem was, the dating pool had disappeared and I was left standing on the bank of a dried up pond. A few attempts of going to the movies alone and dining by myself left me feeling conspicuous and very uncomfortable.

Not wanting to appear desperate, ( I had my pride ), I took to more solitary activities. I painted my apartment just about every three days, bought useless junk on Ebay, and bought a guitar that I couldn't afford as a kid.

Then a stroke of brilliance, On-Line Dating!!!....why hadn't I thought of this before? I used the computer for web design and a thousand other things!!! The solution was right in front of my face. So, as many of us do, I created a profile and looked at the potential "daters". I didn't receive any offers the first week, so I took the initiative and wrote to one or two women. They responded, phone calls were exchanged with seemingly normal, well adjusted candidates.....but then came the inevitable meetings. I was optimistic, but that faded faster than new Levi's. Allow me to elaborate:

There was the woman that sat in front of me and spoke almost without breathing about landscaping her yard. The real dilemma, ( as she stated ), was where to place the enormous piles of manure. This monopolized the seemingly endless and one-sided conversation. Poop, we talked about poop. At sometime that I don't actually recall, I began thinking about ice cream while songs by Alvin and the Chipmunks looped in my brain. I can remember seeing her lips moving, but I stared at her forehead not wanting to make direct eye contact for fear that she might see the horror in my eyes. And this was not to be the end........

Discouraged, I meet with another woman. She, as was explained to me in painful detail, was the person that hangs those little wire displays all over the shelves at grocery stores. You know which ones I mean......the ones you lacerate your forehead on while bending over to get the crackers..yeah, those. Well, apparently, there's some West Side Story turf war between the wire hangers and the other vendors. Yep, the stuff dreams are made of......again, and although I couldn't see myself, I could feel the glazed look come over my face. I unconsciously began poking my hand with a fork. It was time to leave.

Now, it was official. My spirit had been broken. I wanted to take my disappointment out on something. I went to my computer to quit that misleading dating site, with all of it's pictures of happy couples and it's boastings of successes....that would show'em all.

Something, and I don't know what, compelled me to approach one last person. Her profile sounded like something I might write. She seemed cerebrally witty and was so beautiful, I was certain my attempt at contacting her would be fruitless. Again, I was wrong.....

A Brand New Day

I woke up startled the next day, not recognizing my new surroundings. According to my watch, I had slept about 15 hours. I walked back down the street, apparently I had been in such a hurry to leave that I neglected to bring my truck with me. The sight that greeted me was not really that unexpected.

Selected belongings were stacked unceremoniously, or maybe heaped would be a better word, on the walkway. Some clothes, a few furnishings, just stuff,.....nothing of real value. There was however a charming note from my ex, henceforth referred to as the Troll, and yes, there's a reason....but I digress..

Gathering my belongings, I set about arranging them in my new digs. It was cool. I was making great money, although being constantly harassed by the Troll. I hadn't yet learned to tell her to go fuck herself. It would be almost a year before that happened and it took someone else yelling and screaming at me to get it through my head.

Side Note: In the "Mediation" the Troll was granted 4k a month in support......like I said earlier, I was neither cognizant or rational....I just wanted out. I would have agreed to giving her a lung to be rid of her. Again, let me remind the readers,.....get a lawyer. I was just plain stupid.

I thought I could pacify, that things would even out to some form of mutual co-existence......I was wrong, tragically wrong.

I began setting up my new life. There was no longing, no remorse. I felt loss in that my "family" has ceased to exist, but it didn't take long to realize that I didn't have a "family" at all. It was just my son and I...and this other person that was interested in money.

I'll never forget going out and buying a bed.....I didn't have one......the Troll threw a fit because I didn't give the money to her. And besides getting a new bed, I got a sense of satisfaction.

In the early morning hours, I once again would stand looking out "there", wondering where my happiness was. I didn't know at the time that it was closer than I would have ever believed. But there was still a few hurtles to jump until I found it.......and then I went about screwing it up

How Stupid Can A Person Be?

So, we get this house. I know at this point, my marriage is through and of course I continue to reconstruct this albatross of a house. I actually found the skeletal remains of one entombed in a wall.......I live there by myself, affectively in a construction zone, but happy to be let alone and certain that the money made from the sale of the home would ensure freedom......yep.....I really did believe it.

We began seeing a mediator to "settle" how things will be divided....I was really not a conscious participant in the process, and it drug on and on, for months. This was supposed to be the simple solution. I just wanted it over and would have agreed to anything...and did. Remember, we all despise them, but get a lawyer.

In in the interim, my ex-wife hired my cousin to help with the renovations on the house to speed things along. He helped....he helped himself to my ex-wife, which was ok, because he learned the same lessons I did, only much quicker. What he did do was procure all my tools, basically, my livelihood. Best of all, my ex actually paid him for his time. I wonder just how long he was"on-the-clock". Based on my past experience with her....She really should have paid him for his effort. It gives new meaning to erectile dysfunction. I actually threw up once upon seeing her nipples, but that's a different story.....

The breaking point came one evening. I was in the house working alone and I had a moment of clairity ....I opened the safe, grabbed a handful of cash and a pillow, ( I think ), and walked down the street at about 10:00pm. I stopped at the first "For Rent" sign I saw and pounded on the door of the managers unit. I shoved cash in her sleepy, bloated face and grasped the key to my new apartment, not realizing what I had done.

I turned the key to my new home. The door swung open into the darkness, my eyes straining to adjust as there was no power. I listened for the scurrying of small creatures, but heard none. I fumbled my way to what looked like a fireplace and flipped the switch on the wall. The gas flame ignited, illuminating my new home in a very pleasant amber glow.

I didn't bother taking a look around. I laid down on the carpet, damp from it's recent cleaning and stared at the ceiling.

Something miraculous happened. I wasn't sad, nor did I feel a sense of loss or loneliness. I was free. Although I've never been to jail, I thought, "This must be what getting out of prison feels like." That is still one of my happiest memories.

What I didn't realize at that time, that I had traded one cage for another and despite all the guidance I was about to receive,.....it was a cage of my own making...

A Stranger In A Strange Land

The story starts simple enough....trapped by my own fear in a dysfunctional, loveless, stagnate marriage of some 15 years. I had a home, rentals, all the trappings that defined "success".

I also had a temper driven, stunted, sexless, psychotic spouse....not part of the over-all program. It didn't start out that way but the backslide was swift.....in the back of my head the cadence began softly until it escalated into a roar, "What were you thinking?"...to this day, that remains unanswered.

And while this situation is repeated daily in countless homes across the world, it was never my Nirvana. One must ask, "Why did you stay?" The answer is simple. Fear. I was afraid to lose all the things I had. My things distracted me and I had a lot of things. Besides, divorce requires great change and effort. Not only was I afraid, I was lazy as too. So the groundwork was set, one house, separate lives. The American Dream. Mistake #1

Luckily, as I was assured frequently, that I was stupid and lacked ambition, although bringing in 3 to 4k a week seemed pretty good to me. I don't drink, I didn't go out with "The Guys", my ex-wife and I slept apart...me on the sofa and she content, basking in the ever present glow of QVC. All the signs were there.....Sequined jogging suits, Stevie Nicks and a pre-disposed obsession with fairies. I suppose depression and denial had set in for me and I had simply given up. Who wouldn't?

When I wasn't at work, I'd spend my time in the garage. I set up an office along with my woodworking tools. Had I a bathroom out there, there would have been no reason to go into the house.

In the evenings, I began to stand in my woodshop, in front of the open garage door, looking at the light on the mountains, that lyric from the Goo Goo Dolls song looping in my head...."I know it's out there, I know it's out there. Somehow here is gone." My 4 year old son pulling at my pant leg asking, "What's wrong, Daddy?" I didn't know where to begin.

So, against all better judgement and ignoring any grain of wisdom I may have acquired, it was decided to sell all our real estate holdings and purchase a large Victorian home in the historical part of town. It was a good money making opportunity, as long as I broke my ass restoring it. I thought, we could sell it and go our separate ways. That would of course solve everything.....,Little did I know...alternative plans were already in motion and had been for quite sometime.

Standing On The Edge

From time to time, and on occasion for painfully extended periods, fragile humans that we are, find ourselves teetering on the axis of our own sanity. We agonize over vanity and delude ourselves into thinking we just need that one thing more to achieve our own state of perceived euphoria. Then as people most often do, we set about to destroy it.

This is the story of the decline of my little slice of Western Civilization.